No. Mystery.

I recently heard a song lyrics that said "you are not a mystery to God". I was hurriedly prepping dinner and reorganizing my kitchen. I am sure there were other words in the song but that was the only line I heard. It came through loud and clear. You are not a mystery to God. He knows the deepest parts of you. That thing you did in your past that you think no one knows about.... God knows. That question you long to have answered but are to afraid to ask, God already knows it is on your heart. That crippling fear, you know the one, the one that if it ever happened your not sure you would ever recover. God knows even that. He knows what puts a smile on your face. He knows the tears that are falling are not really because of the reason you tell everyone else. He gets you. You are not a mystery to Him. Here is the crazy part though, even after knowing all of that,  He LOVES you. You can't hide from him, he already knows you. The biggest deception that we have been fed is that we can hide from God. Sure we can fool ourselves into thinking that we can hide and miss out on the unfailing love and complete acceptance that comes from being fully loved and fully known. You and I are the ones that are missing out though. God doesn't change His stance. He still knows all and still chooses love. The confidence that comes from a love like that is life changing. Step into the light. You are not a mystery to God.

For Everly.

Today's blog is a guest blog written by a dear friend of mine.  It is my prayer that her story brings healing to the hearts that need healing, brings awareness to those unaware of the pain of miscarriage, and opens a conversation about loss that very few have been brave enough to discuss.

The story of one child’s 18 weeks of life.

As I sit on my couch this Sunday afternoon I begin to try to put words to the past several months.  I have so many thoughts swimming in my head and trying to figure out where to start our story is difficult. I have so much I want to say and so many memories I am unsure I am ready to revisit but I have known from the beginning I would be called to tell my story as well as hers.

Everly Kay, the name I had chosen from the moment I had found out we were expecting baby number three. Yes of course I had “no proof” at this time it was a girl but, I just knew as I had with my first born and then my second. This part of the story is easy to tell and brings joy to my heart as I relive it. My husband and I were ready for baby number three. Right on track with my timeline of no more than a year and a half between siblings. People had said I was crazy when I tried with our second when my daughter was only 8 months old but, I loved the idea of the craziness, the chaos and the closeness this would bring for our family. My second was now 10 months old and it was time to start trying for baby number three.

Yes I know the exact night she was conceived and the story brings back sweet memories and many laughs.  I had been at a girlfriends doing a much needed “girls night” and the running joke was I had better get home so we could make a baby, as I was ovulating. So after many laughs and a couple of cocktails I jumped on my bike and pedaled home only to find my husband fast asleep. Well, I thought I guess that does it no baby for us this time around. However, to my surprise on June 29^th 2014 I found out we had actually made a baby not that night but, the next morning. I was elated and a bit terrified. Was I really ready for a third child? I mean that sounded good in theory but now it was my reality.

There is one thing you have to know about me, I love being pregnant I mean I love it. I am one of those women you want to hate because she loves being pregnant so much.  I dress all cute, wear high heels, never get sick and am “glowing” all the time or so I am told.  There is just something about it that amazes me. This could be because I grew up never wanting children and believing I was not equipped to be a mother so it turned my world upside down when I stepped into motherhood with ease. I wouldn’t say it was something I had been waiting for or that it completed me but, there was something about it that made me feel as if I were created to be a mother.  Now don’t get me wrong I have my days were I look in the mirror and ask who are you? You look like you’ve been hit by a bus and then run over again. And why do you keep yelling at your kids? Don’t you know these are the years for precious memory building? Yes we all know this as mothers and it is hard, exhausting, trying and yet in ways we can’t explain fulfilling, incredible and something we would do over and over again. But I digress… back to her story, the story that God would use to reshape me, my thinking and those around me.

Well as usual my pregnancy started out great, no morning sickness and little to no weight gain. The only really “hard” part was the fatigue. Man how I hate feeling tired all the time but, I knew this was the price you paid during the first trimester. Things were moving right along in my pregnancy. We had begun to call her by name even though we had not medically confirmed she was a girl yet I just knew she was. My daughter loved to lift my shirt up each morning and say “hello baby Evie” We had our first ultrasound at 12 weeks and were happy to see a healthy baby. My daughter loved seeing baby Evie on the tv monitor. This experience was so neat as she had no idea really when mommy had been pregnant with her brother. This time around she seemed so aware she was going to be a big sister again. As we rounded out the first trimester I enjoyed the reprieve from the constant tiredness and sailed into my second trimester.

Another thing you should know about me is I cannot keep a secret when it comes to me being pregnant. I just can’t. I love sharing the news with family and friends. And as many women do when they enter their second trimester we let everyone know we were expecting baby number three as well as made it Facebook official by posting her ultrasound picture.  This is where the story begins to become more difficult to tell and for some maybe difficult to read too but, please see it through to the end. Yes this is a story of tragedy but also, a story of redemption and fulfillment. I am still walking this out myself but, can say with absolute certainty I will see fulfillment of God’s promises in my life.

Before I tell you what was to come next for our family I would like to share a beautiful moment I had at a conference at my church beforehand. I was only a couple months pregnant when I attended a dreams and visions seminar.  Leading up to the conference I dreamt I was pregnant with twins. I knew for a fact I was only carrying one child so that was not the meaning of my dream but, I was curious to the meaning of the dream. I had the opportunity to ask for help in understanding my dream and the interpretation given was “double portion”.  Later in the evening, as the conference wrapped up, two different women prophesied over me that Everly would carry a double portion anointing. Oh the pride in a mother’s heart to hear those words. I walked away knowing this would be true. I was so excited and expectant of what that would look like as she grew up and stepped fully into her anointing. I couldn’t believe God wanted to bless me with a daughter who would carry such an anointing. I mean me, really?

Our story picks up a little over two months later. I was at home on Friday October 24^th 2014 with my husband when we received a call from our OB, Dr. Robbins. My blood work had come back and they had few concerns and wanted me to come in that day for a new workup as well as an ultrasound. When I look back on this moment as well as others that I will share. It is amazing how I can trace His hand of faithfulness in it all.  My first thought was this has to be nothing, right? Followed immediately by sending out a text to my small group for prayers please. When I say I can see His hand of faithfulness what I mean is my husband is almost never home during the week but, he was on that day, God’s hand. We loaded up the kiddos and headed to Dr. Robbin’s office.

First stop lab for new blood work then upstairs for an ultrasound. The four of us piled into the ultrasound room. Have you ever looked back on a moment and realized you had already known the outcome? One of those gut check moments that you didn’t give much thought to at the time. God had planted a seed in my heart the moment I received the call from Dr.Robbins. Now I do not want this to be confused with fear or doubt but, a seed of preparedness. Again, His hand. As the ultrasound technician began our ultrasound and I anxiously awaited Everly to show up on the tv monitor, a million thoughts were running through my mind and nothing could have prepared me for what would come next.

With in moments we could see Everly up on the monitor. My heartbeat slowed and I thought thank you Jesus there is our little girl. The technician excused herself to get Dr. Robbins. He came in and said there is no easy way to tell you this but, her heart has stopped beating. Wait what…talk about all of the air being sucked out of a room.  I am not sure I can do justice to what emotions I felt in that moment. Surely I had heard him wrong I am looking right at her.  And if what he is saying is true why do I have to keep looking at her while you tell me her heart is not beating. You’re wrong my little girl is not dead I can see her. Please God let them be wrong.  So many emotions warred for position in my heart and mind followed by the onslaught of questions.  Question number one what had I done to cause this? Dr.Robbin’s answer sure and true I had done nothing to cause this.  Over the next several days there would be no medical answers to “why” our little girl’s heart had stopped beating. 

I wanted to collapse onto the floor but, I was not given that luxury. I had a two-year-old daughter whose world was also being shaken. She was crying and confused as to why mom and dad were crying. The moment seemed surreal as if I were looking into the room from someone else’s eyes. It was as if time was standing still in those first few moments as we wrestled with accepting we would not meeting Everly this side of heaven. There were those “business” like details we had to hash out right then and there. I had not miscarried my daughter but I would also not be carrying her full term so a procedure to remove her from my body would need to take place. It felt so wrong and violating. As if her heart stopping was not enough I would now be forced to endure a procedure where they would physically remove her from my body. It was highly unlikely my body would pass the fetus on its own since I had had both my children by way of caesarian. My body had not engaged for those pregnancies at 40 weeks. We took the necessary steps to schedule the procedure.  In those moments with a strength that could only come from Him I put my brave face on gathered up my family and walked to our car.  In those moments much of it is a blur or better yet a fading memory that God so graciously does not bring back to mind in full detail. Again His hand.  I lived it once and now again as I try my best to put it into writing beyond that I am not sure I am capable of much more.

As we walked to my car heartbroken and in shock there was a stirring in my heart as if God himself were writing these words “the devil gets no ground” I remember turning to my husband and telling him those exact words. In the midst of it all God had settled it in my heart. I would stand firm. I didn’t know exactly what the words meant only they were important and would be part of her story. Again I began to trace His hand of faithfulness though I didn’t understand things fully yet. After getting into our car we began to make calls to close friends and family sharing the news as well as asking for prayer. There was an outpouring of love and support from those around us. At times it was more than I was emotionally capable of handling. I would find myself withdrawing with my pain. Feeling as if it was mine alone to feel. They don’t get to be sad she was my daughter not theirs. Again I heard Him say “the devil gets no ground” The best way to explain what He was doing in me is he was revealing strategies of the enemy I had never been able to see. They seemed so simplistic but relentless at the same time. The devil would not stop attacking, pursuing, hunting while I tried to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. Oh no far from it. The meaning of His words began to take shape. And I could see how the enemy was so cunning, conniving and cruel.  He would come at me with everything he had. I saw with new eyes how he would use those around me through careless words and then how my work life would begin to unravel. In each area I stood on the truth he gave me the day we found out Everly’s heart was no longer beating “the devil gets no ground”. His hand again. So I did the only thing I was capable of doing and I stood.

I would have five days of carrying my dead child within me before the necessary procedure.  I do not mean to sound crass or uncaring but that was my reality. I remember crying out to God asking for the doctors to be wrong and desperately asking for a miracle.  With a certainty I can’t quite explain His answer was No. No, they were not wrong and no I would not see a miracle. Not that he wasn’t capable of a miracle or I undeserving but simply His answer was no. As others who have walked this path before me know there are so many questions. And we all seek desperately for an answer that would be good enough to justify our loss. I am here to tell you there is no answer this side of heaven that will ever be good enough. When I talk with my Jesus I am very matter of fact and frank. So as we were talking and I was asking or maybe more accurately demanding an answer as to why this was happening to me.  He sweetly, gently and kindly spoke to my heart with these words, “daughter, you can continue asking why and be paralyzed or you can choose to walk by faith and I have called you to walk by faith and not by sight”  WHAT…that was not the answer I was seeking or expecting but, I let the words settle in my heart. The endless “whys” are consuming, at times overwhelming and a rabbit hole of epic proportion. One after another they come as you begin to replay your entire pregnancy in your mind. Did I eat tuna? Had I forgotten to take a prenatal? Did I not rest enough? Was I pushing myself too hard? The questions could go on and on and on and it hurts my heart to know for many women they do. It is almost as if we choose to punish ourselves with the onslaught of questions and rehashing things we cannot change. Searching for a moment or incident to place the blame when there isn’t one.

As I thought on the words He laced into my heart I realized I am too limited to understand His answer this side of heaven. Nothing He could explain to me here would be good enough. I would have told him well thank you for sharing “why” but that just isn’t good enough and I would like my daughter to live again. No there are no medical or spiritual answers for me as to why Everly was only given 18 weeks. There are times I still struggle to reconcile these things but I always come back to my trust in Him. I choose to see His hand in all of this. I walk out what He called me to do. I will stand when everything around me seems to be crumbling and I will see Him in the midst of it all. It is not easy. No it is really hard and there are days I falter under the weight of my heartache. But what I love is He continues to show me strategies of the enemy and give me a blueprint to dismantle them. Yes and Amen… His hand. The Sunday after we lost her I was scheduled to intercede during our church’s worship service. Of course everyone would understand if I was unable to do this but I wanted to be there immersed in His presence and doing the only thing I knew to do. Lean into Him.  I was hurting, bending but not broken and when I stood on that stage praying for our worship team and congregation I knew with absolute certainty I was not the only one there hurting that day. I was given an opportunity to stand in the gap for those people. Asking the Comforter to do what he does best…comfort. Inviting Him right into the mess and laying it all out in front of Him. I made a choice in those moments to release Everly to Him. Of course for all intents and purposes she had always been and was His but, I knew if I didn’t make the choice to let her go I would struggle with loosing her forever. I could let her go even when I had questions that would go unanswered. Yes I could choose to let her go when it was unfair. I could let her go because she was His from the beginning. He had created her in my inmost being and He had known the number of her days. Choosing to let her go didn’t mean I didn’t love her or wouldn’t remember her it meant I could turn away from myself and turn to Him. And in those moments I felt a comfort that could only come from Him.

Fast forward and I was, and still am, working on physically and emotionally healing. His hand again I could see it. So many well-meaning words were being thrown at me. “I’m so sorry”, “at least you look good”, “oh you’ll just have another baby” now I share these not to bring shame or guilt to those who said them but to acknowledge my Papa God because he had prepared me to let these comments roll off my back and not take root in my heart.  This was no easy feat in my own strength but aligned with Him I could again choose to trust Him. His hand of faithfulness. As her story comes to a close I know in my heart mine is just starting. There is more and will be more I want to share in His time. I have been given the grace to write her story for now. I will leave you with this. I could see and feel Him in ways I had not before. At times that was comforting at times it was excruciating but each day I made a choice to give it to Him and trust when my eyes, heart and mind failed me. I would always know who He was and because of that one of the greatest things I have learned in the midst of my tragedy is though my flesh was shaken my faith never was.  He was constant and He showed me I can ALWAYS trace His hand of faithfulness if I take the time to see it and allow myself to walk by faith and not by sight.

Everly Kay you have changed me in so many ways and I am honored to have been given 18 weeks with you. I walk with my eyes wide open, waiting, and watching. Expectant to see your double portion anointing spill over into my life and the lives of those He has placed around me. He is faithful to bring to pass what was promised for you. Your story and mine are now one and I will continue to tell OUR story as your legacy and my testimony. Love,  Your Mamma