Lifeless

Lifeless.
I am completely convinced that the biggest growth occurs after the coldest, darkest, most lifeless times. Let me explain. A few weeks back I was driving my children to school and contemplating some things in my head with God. We had just had a pretty big snowstorm in Colorado that came on the heels of some nice 75 degree weather (perfect for riding with my hubby on the Harley). The yo-yoing temperatures had gotten under my skin. See, if you asked me what time of year is my favorite I would have told you Spring. After all, spring is filled with fresh flowers poking through the ground, bright green buds breaking out from what appears to be dead branches, songbirds filling the air with sweet melodies. Oh sweet spring. But this particular morning, it didn't look like spring. There was day old snow covering the road, no longer the pristine, white blanket that covers everything so peacefully. Instead, this snow was beginning to melt, maybe, but really it just looked.....grey. Honestly it is the same color of a person's skin after they have taken their last breath. The day appeared lifeless. Lifeless is the last word I would ever use to describe Spring but yet that is exactly what this day appeared to be. I began to recount all the circumstances that had gone on in the past few Springs within my own life. Circumstances that when I was in the midst of them made me feel like the life had been sucked out of me. Leaving me hopeless, broken and unable to catch my breath. Lifeless. I began to chuckle to myself. "How in the world did you ever think that Spring was your favorite time of year? Everything bad happens in the spring. Your life completely falls apart in the spring." Then there was this feeling of anger that washed over me, completely unexpected.  Why God? Why does Satan get to steal my favorite season? Why do I go through all these trials while my favorite season is happening around me? Why is there snow where I want to see sun? Why, in place of sun kissed breezes, am I being hit with biting cold instead? Why is everything falling apart right now? I'm sure this conversation went on and on, because sometimes I am a little whiney with God. It's a good thing He loves me anyways. Then suddenly I began to trace the triumph that has ALWAYS come after the trials. The life that can only come after death. Yep, lifeless days lead to days full of life. Isnt that just like God? After all, His plan for our life included the death of His Son. He kind of likes to show up in the midst of death, hopelessness, and complete devastation. Beauty for ashes every single time. That Spring day, I never questioned IF the sun was going to shine ever again, IF I would see my favorite tulips blooming, or IF the buds would breakthrough. Not IF but WHEN.  Rest assured, if you are in a season of Lifelessness Jesus has already paid the price and made the way for new life to come bursting forth. His life is a blueprint, God's master plan. One more thing, those first leaves breaking out, those tulips you see that have risked it all to bloom with snow all around.....Those are the badasses of nature. After all it doesn't take strength or courage to bloom in the sun. But to bloom when the ground is frozen and you are surrounded by Lifelessness THAT takes guts. So go ahead, look around and note the Lifelessness, then take a deep breath and pause, God's plan sometimes unfolds slower than we would like. That just means He is busy making you a badass that can bloom in the snow. So be prepared for growth even when all you see is death and darkness. I promise you Spring ALWAYS happens. And if you ask me today what my favorite season is I will answer Spring. Yes even with the biting cold, snowy days, because those days make me all the more thankful for the sunshine and budding trees. I know the agony and strain those buds went through to become beautiful in spite of the Lifelessness engulfing them all because God has a redemptive, life giving growth plan.

Scars.

How do you view the scars on your life? Do see them as ugly imperfections or do you see them as where Jesus was saving your life? Ozias left the hospital with three very noticeable scars. One on each wrist and one on his forehead.  The story of those scars brings tears to my eyes.  In the first few hours of his life outside the womb the doctors were attempting to administer life saving medicine through IV's. Because of his extreme prematurity his veins were incredibly small and kept rupturing under the pressure from the IV.  The medicine that helped control his blood pressure then burned his fragile skin.  When my fingers run across one of his scars it immediately takes me back to "that" room with "that" doctor having "that" conversation that went something like this..... We need to get a good line so that we can continue to give him the medicine that he needs to keep his blood pressure stabilized. The recent attempts to find a vein have been unsuccessful and have caused him to become very stressed. We will let him rest and then find a vein and thread a line directly to his heart to make sure that we have a good way to give him medicine and fluids. Called a PIV line..... That conversation was one of three moments that I can recall being scared during our entire NICU stay. I needed to know were there other options should that line burst? Was that our last hope? The doctor calmly explained that should this PIV line not work, they had two other options to try. It wasn't the doctors words that calmed my deepest fears though. It was after we went back to my hospital room and cried out to God. Please guide the neonatologist's hands to find the right vein. Please make a way for the life saving medicine Lord. In that moment there was a peace that filled the room as we remembered that God was in control. Jesus was in charge of saving his life. We went back to see Ozias a few hours later and he was resting peacefully with a new PIV line placed perfectly. The scars on his tiny body remind me of what God brought him through to be here with us today.

Now take a look at the scars on your own life. Maybe it was the loss of a job, or a relationship. Maybe the death of a dream. Whatever it was that didn't go according to plan and left a wound on you that turned into a scar. Run your fingers over that place and ask God to show you how he was using that very moment in your life. How he didn't abandon you during that time but rather he was busying himself with saving your life. Finding a different way to give you exactly what you needed. Some people see scars as imperfections but really they are reminders to Jesus' healing power.

Paint. Drops.

I have been painting my girls' rooms with the help of my daughter's. There were several times where I had to leave the room to tend to my youngest leaving my daughter alone with a gallon of paint. We were finishing up and happened to see some spots on the carpet. It appeared as though she had tried to clean them up herself. Then afraid to get in trouble she covered them with the drop cloth and acted like nothing happened. How many times in your life have you done this very thing? Ok, maybe not with paint, but how about with some sin pattern in your life? That one that constantly plagues you. You try to clean it up yourself but you can't quite make it go away. It's smears and seems to enlarge no matter how hard you scrub. Or maybe it is a heartbreak that you can't fix. Or a dream so big that fear constantly tries to tell you it will never come true. God never intended for us to do life alone. He wants us to be in relation with other people, to heal us, to help us up after we fall, to remind us of our dreams when we close our eyes out of fear, to clean up our messes, and sometimes just to hold our hands in the dark reminding us we are not alone.  Truth is, all that was needed was a warm, soapy rag and the paint drops washed out of the carpet but left untreated would have ruined the carpet. Find people that you can share your messes with. Seek out those that are willing to help you clean it up. Expose the darkest parts of your heart, those parts you where you act like nothing happened. The parts that are broken beyond repair.  Then let them wash you with the goodness and grace of God.  You just might be surprised by how easily they clean up. And if the heartbreak is too great they will help you make it a beautiful part of you.  #community #mytribe #DarkHallwaysSteadyGrip

Trust.

Trust.

Trust. Noun  1. Assured reliance on the character, ability, strength or truth of someone or something. 2. One in which confidence is placed.

Romans 8:28 And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him.

Trust is easy in times of calm.  When the seas look like glass and the breeze is just right.  When your child is healthy and all seems right.  When your spouse is loving and thoughtful and kind.  Sure trusting God that he knows what he is doing in moments like that doesn’t even take an effort on our part.  But let that wind pick up just a little, from a breeze to a sudden gust every now and then.  When your boat rocks a little more than is comfortable to you.   This is when trust becomes a choice.  That news you received from the mechanic’s shop, that your car was going to cost a whole lot more than you thought.  Or that letter that you receive in the mail that tells you of news you didn’t want to know.  Those moments when you curiously wonder what God is up to, do you trust what he is doing?  Is he capable of using that bad news for your good still?  Then what about the heart shattering, gut wrenching, life altering moments that you face?  The moments when the waves seem unending, giving you just enough time to find your balance only to be tossed to the ground again.  The diagnosis you didn’t ever want to receive.  The death of a child.  The loss of a parent.  These kinds of traumatic events that you don’t have a choice but to face.  Hiding won’t help and running won’t stop the pain.  Is God still good in those moments?  Can we still trust that God is working things out?  Truth is either God is completely good or He is not.  Either he can be completely trusted or not trusted at all.  There is no middle ground.  No room to doubt that God is good.  We must forge ahead and trust that He knows what he is doing.  Take a moment and ask God what areas of your life you don’t trust him with.  Then ask for forgiveness for trying to fix something just because you don’t understand his plan or his timing.  God promises will be fulfilled no questions asked.  But do you trust him enough to make them happen even when all hope seems lost?  When the clouds are building in the sky and waves are crashing all around. In the verse above it says that God WORKS.  That is an active verb meaning to bring to pass.  Not God worked.  Be patient in the process. Steady your legs.  The captain knows how to get you safely to shore.  He is working all things together for good.   

Holy.

What do I know of Holy? One month ago I was in the hospital with signs of preterm labor, on strict bedrest. As a mom of 4 children at home on the busiest week of the year bedrest is NOT OK, as if there is ever a "good" time for bedrest... Let me explain....there was a combined birthday party for two of my children, Halloween, a championship football game, and two birthday lunches for kiddos that were "supposed" to happen this week. I had plans.  LOTS OF PLANS. "We can make our plans but the Lord determines our steps" Proverbs 16:9.

I had been in the hospital for 3 days and then got great news. My fluid levels had doubled so I could potentially go home in the next few days. Wahoooooo I was so excited. I could go home and at least be there for my family. I could kiss my kids goodnight and I could feel my husband's warm embrace. Then hours later my water broke and with it my hopes of going home were dashed. There would be no goodnight kisses, no good morning hugs until after the baby was born. We were told that could be weeks. They wanted to postpone the baby coming for as long as possible, after all a 26 week preemie is not in anyone's plans. I had been down this "preemie road" before and I was not too excited to walk it again. 14 years ago TO THE DAY I had been admitted to the hospital to have my son 6 weeks early. I knew the sounds of the alarms, the smell of the soap, the never ending tests, the questions that didn't have answers. I had always told people that I couldn't imagine having a baby in the NICU with other kids at home because a baby in the hospital was bad enough let alone others to take care of......Yet the others to take care of was the other part of my heart that broke when my water broke. Don't get me wrong, Marco was INCREDIBLE while I was in the hospital. He was super dad. Getting the kids to school, working, running kids to basketball practice, and comforting me all while having very little sleep. They would have survived just fine with me in the hospital for several more weeks. But we were all very aware of the part that mommy plays in the family. They needed me to be home. They needed me to dry their tears and kiss them goodnight. They needed me to calm their fears and build them up.

There in my empty hospital room tears began streaming down my face. Why God, why are you doing this to me? His reply, "Really Naomi, why now? Why are you freaking out now? Haven't I proved myself to you before?" I lost it. I was sobbing at this point. I had learned over the past several years that when faced with difficult circumstances choose worship. So I turned on praise and worship music. The very first song that came on was Addison Road's "What do I know of Holy"......Which I had heard plenty of times before and had even sang along to before but this time the words cut deeper. The words came alive......

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven but I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small, I never feared You at all, no
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes, could I behold You?

What do I know of You who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood but the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were might to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of You who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood but the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life it's name?
What do I know of holy of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name on earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

What do I know of You who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood but the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

.......what do I know of You who spoke me into motion? Alright God you are the one that started my motion. You are the one that knows every step that I take. I guess I thought that I had figured You out.
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about how You were might to save
Those were only empty words on a page. Even though God had proved his love and power time and time again to me as I walked through years of abuse, then a divorce and then most recently a custody battle to move with my children to be with my husband. You would think that I would have known to trust God's timing and His plan. I guess I thought that I had used God up. That all that was a one time deal. I knew how to talk about how God was mighty to save but never thought I would be faced with needing to be saved.  At this moment I threw my hands up in the air and gave up complete control of my plans. Everything I thought I needed to do, what I thought was best. I put it all at Gods feet. Immediately when I surrendered control peace washed over me. The tears stopped. I still didn't know God's plan but I did know that whatever it was it was going to be just fine. Whether His plan was a baby born 14 weeks early or His plan was for me to be on bedrest for weeks on end. Whichever way He had everything already figured out.  The following day I prayed for God to allow me to deliver the baby as quickly as possible with no long-term medical side effects so that I could be back with my family at home and have a healthy baby. My mom texted me a few hours later and said that she had just prayed that "I would have a healthy baby quickly so that we could all be together again". Roughly 8 hours later we welcomed Ozias Izaak into our world. Not part of my plans but God knew what was best. Come to find out the placenta was infected which caused preterm labor it was no longer a safe place for our baby. Who knows what God was preventing by delivering Ozias early but what do I know of Holy?  Ozias was born with absolutely no major medical issues, perfectly formed just really tiny. Every test that has been performed has come back normal. God answered our prayers.
.....what do I know of wounds that will heal my shame? I never thought God would be so intentional about every little detail of my past and cover it with grace. But in order to do that He had to wound me all over again. To take me back, to walk the "preemie road" all over again just to show me how different it could be when covered in His grace. When Marco and I went in to the NICU for the first time together I remember holding his hand and saying "this is going to be the hardest thing we have done together". But rather than it being hard and trying it has been a beautiful journey. To have the opportunity to see life unfold before our eyes. To see peoples faith restored because of the miracle of our baby boy. Oh yes it has been tiring and a whole new normal but when covered in God's grace it has been breathtakingly beautiful.

....and a God who gave life it's name? Ozias' name was a big deal long before we knew it. I felt immediately when we discovered that we were pregnant that the responsibility of a name was to be completely on Marco's shoulders. He took that responsibility very seriously and sought God on what to name our child. He quickly found the name Izaak and we both loved it but Marco wanted a different name for his first name. We hadn't found out the gender of the baby so he was looking at both boys and girls names but was having a hard time finding a girls name that was right. He felt God telling him to go to the O section of the baby name app that he had been using and there found the name Ozias. Which means "strength from the Lord". Marco knew immediately this was the name that God had given for the baby. Little did we know how much the baby would need it. But God did. God had given Ozias' life its name.

So today, as I sat holding my perfectly formed baby on my chest while singing worship music to him the same song came on. What do I know of Holy? I breathed a deep breath and kissed his tiny head. For what do I know of Holy All creation knows your name. On earth and heaven above. What do I know of this love? What do I know of Holy?

Critical. Care.

This weekend our family was faced with quite a scary turn of events. We had just reached the 26 week milestone in our pregnancy. I started having some really bad contractions and was in a lot of pain. I had called my doctors office and was following their instructions but my pain level nor symptoms were decreasing. We decided to go to the hospital. The hospital we had chosen ahead of time was not equipped to give the level of care we were going to need. In a matter of seconds we went from being a situation the staff felt capable of handling to being a trauma they were in no way shape or form prepared to handle. In those brief seconds I felt as if I had been heaved up into the air unsure of who was going to catch me on the way back down. Our nurse quickly left the room, with the words we are going to transport you to a hospital that is equipped to handle babies born at 26 weeks. We were too much to handle. Once the transport team arrived in our room there was a sense of calm that came with them. We were no longer too much to handle, we were the norm. There was no hurriedness, no unsureness,  no panic. Just calm. They had the training and equipment to take care of us just fine. We were transported to a hospital with a NICU that was capable of handling a 26 week old baby. Upon arriving at the hospital they already had a treatment plan prepared for us. Our situation didn't scare the staff at this hospital. They brought us reassurance with their actions and with their words. It was going to be OK. Rough? Sure, but they had it handled. They started us on the treatment plan and were able to stop contractions completely. We are currently still on bedrest at the hospital and while I sit here and mull over the events God brought some stuff to my attention.

We, as followers of Christ, are called to be the hospital to the world. Not just any hospital though. We are called to handle the scariest of circumstances.  See we don't have any excuses like we are lacking the training, after all Gods wisdom is immediately accessed through prayer. We cant use the excuse of we don't have the tools, we are after all, children of Jehovah-Jireh the God who provides, Jehovah-Rapha the God who heals. We have no excuse. The next time someone comes to you at a critical point in their life don't freak out. God equipped you to handle this.  Critical is the state in which abrupt change for better or worse can be expected. How many times has someone come to you with their lives a mess and you feel ill equipped to handle it? In that moment you are heaving that person up in the air. Instead, take a moment to pray, ask God what he wants you to do for them, and instead of chaos bring calm. In that moment where critical care is needed be there to help change their life for the better.  The confidence for these moments is found in the alone times you spend with God. Let him equip you for the mess way ahead of time. There isn't ANYTHING you can't handle with God over you. There isn't anything that is too much for you to handle with God beside you. When someone comes to you with their hurts, their mess, their trauma, don't have them up in the air confused on what to do. Wrap your arms around them and confidently assure them that God has everything within His control. Be Critical Care. Change A Life.

To the staff at Presbyterian St. Luke's Hospital and Air Life Denver, THANK YOU. Thank you for being prepared for our family long before you ever met us. Thank you for not being overwhelemed by our circumstances. Every wise choice you made, every joke you told, every kind gesture you did, did not go unnoticed. It brought healing to our family and hope to our future. Thank you for being #CriticalCare.

No. Mystery.

I recently heard a song lyrics that said "you are not a mystery to God". I was hurriedly prepping dinner and reorganizing my kitchen. I am sure there were other words in the song but that was the only line I heard. It came through loud and clear. You are not a mystery to God. He knows the deepest parts of you. That thing you did in your past that you think no one knows about.... God knows. That question you long to have answered but are to afraid to ask, God already knows it is on your heart. That crippling fear, you know the one, the one that if it ever happened your not sure you would ever recover. God knows even that. He knows what puts a smile on your face. He knows the tears that are falling are not really because of the reason you tell everyone else. He gets you. You are not a mystery to Him. Here is the crazy part though, even after knowing all of that,  He LOVES you. You can't hide from him, he already knows you. The biggest deception that we have been fed is that we can hide from God. Sure we can fool ourselves into thinking that we can hide and miss out on the unfailing love and complete acceptance that comes from being fully loved and fully known. You and I are the ones that are missing out though. God doesn't change His stance. He still knows all and still chooses love. The confidence that comes from a love like that is life changing. Step into the light. You are not a mystery to God.