I Am.

I Am.

As I reached for my phone to look at facebook for the hundredth time since waking up this morning I felt it.  I paused and tried to identify what “it” was.  There was an emptiness that I was searching to fill.  A longing to connect with someone.  Looking for excitement to fill that void.  Then in that moment I heard God whisper, Naomi everything you are searching for I Am.  You want excitement, I AM.  You need comfort, I AM.  You want peace, I AM.  Wait….so God you are saying that everything that I have ever wanted, you got it all covered?  Protector, provider, confidant, lover, friend, father, laughter, excitement and more?  Lately there has been a longing deep inside my soul that cannot be filled by anyone BUT God.  Yet I seem to make time for everyone but Him then wonder why I still feel empty.  As long as I continue to try to fill up with the quick fix I will still be empty in the end.  As long as I am craving connection and fill it with something other than God I will still be left craving.  So now, not only am I craving connection but now I am strung out from trying to accomplish that on my own.  I picture Jesus with his hands outstretched, softness in his eyes just waiting for us to make the choice to choose Him.  Just waiting for us to see that He is everything our hearts need, want and desire all in one.  My child, whatever it is you are looking for today….I AM.  Draw near to me and allow me to fill that emptiness with an everlasting flow that will not run dry.  Let me be I AM to you.  So I stopped everything that I was doing and just allowed myself to need God.  I allowed myself to feel his presence.  I allowed him to comfort me and speak His promises over me.  I allowed Him to be I AM.

Faith.

Faith.

I have heard it described as the assurance of things of unseen.   I have been contemplating faith lately.  Faith like a mustard seed.  Why a mustard seed and not something else.  Faith like a pinecone, I mean those are cool.  God is always so intentional on what he says that I knew there was a reason why, probably more like a hundred reasons why.  Small is the first thing that comes to mind.  Like an afterthought.  A mustard seed isn’t something that would stop you in your tracks as you were walking out the door.  But yet if you aren’t looking for it you might never see it.  That is a pretty small amount of faith that God tells us we need just to move mountains.  MOVE MOUNTAINS.  I mean you don’t get much bigger than mountains.  So somewhere between the small minute amount of faith needed and the actual act of moving a mountain there has to be something that happens.  In the inbetween God proves FAITHFUL time and time again.  God speaks to us 365 times in the bible to Trust Him.  That is one time for every single day of the year.  But yet we choose to trust in the things that have never made a promise to us or don’t have the capacity to make true on the promises that they do make.  We trust that our jobs will be there tomorrow when we show up for work.  We trust that our cars will start in the morning without giving it a second thought.  We trust that the road that we always drive down to get to work will still be there to again provide a way for us to there.   We trust that when we sit down in a chair it will hold the weight.  We trust that when we turn the oven on it will get hot.  All of this seems silly but yet when was the last time ANY of these things made a promise to you?  Before you sat down did you wonder and fret over whether the chair was going to hold you?  Did you examine how the chair was built, running your fingers over all the weld spots searching for possible weaknesses?  No.  Why not?  Because time and time again when you go to start your car it starts, and never have you seen a road just disappear, and very very rarely does a chair fall apart when you sit in it.  They have all stood the test of time.  But yet still there was never a spoken promise in any of that.  BUT YET….God spoke 365 times to trust Him.  To have faith like a mustard seed.  His word promises that ALL THINGS work together for the good of those that trust in Him.  That means you don’t have to look for weak spots in His plan.  He is working on things that we have no idea about.  So while you are busy finding fault in His plan (according to your plan, haaaa which never works out anyways).  He promised. Period.  There is no second guessing that things will turn out beautiful.  There is no wondering if healing is coming.  There is no stressing over how it is going to work out.  Just take a deep breath and TRUST in the character of God.  He is FAITHFUL even when we are freaking out.  So go ahead and try it.  The next time you start second guessing what God promised stop yourself and picture yourself sitting down in a chair.  Doesn’t take a whole lot of faith to trust the chair is going to hold you.

Disposable Friendships

Disposable – made to be used once or only a few times.  Made to be thrown away after one use or several uses.  Available to be used.  Subject to or available for disposal.

Disposal – the power or authority to dispose or make use as one chooses, the act or process of disposing, orderly placement or distribution, regulation, administration, the act or action of presenting or bestowing something.

The term disposable friendship lays heavy on my heart.  It brings with it a sting.  What, disposable??  How can you say that a person is disposable?  After all doesn’t that mean thrown away?  Lets take a step back and see that everything has a purpose when it enters our life.  What happens if you use something repetitively that is meant to be a one-time use?  It breaks down over time and can’t handle the wear and tear of everyday use.  Picture a few different types of bowls with me.  You have the paper bowls that you can take camping with you, one time use and if you put too much weight in it you will have a mess.  Oh but these bowls are a necessity when you don’t have a lot of time and are just looking to have fun.  You have plastic bowls that can withstand some use but will break down over time.  These bowls are good for cereal every morning. The simple things in life.  Then you have ceramic bowls that can hold the weight of a hefty stew and be washed again and again and again.  You know the kind of bowls I am talking about.  The ones that you put hot tomato soup in and it warms your hands on a cold winter day or you put ice cream in it and it instantly cools your whole body.  Growing up my parents had ceramic dinnerware that was made in a pottery studio close to our house.  The pieces that had cracks in the clay where the extra glaze was allowed to settle were my favorite pieces to look at.  Each of those had a story to tell.  Where it ALMOST broke but instead chose to gain strength from its surroundings and continue on in the journey.

Each one of these bowls represents a type of friendship.  Paper bowls, you know the type, the get together for a cup of coffee and talk about how the kids are growing.  Fun and quick and not much of an investment.  Serves a purpose for sure.  Plastic bowls are the ones that you have almost daily contact with.  They know the ins and outs of your life.  They are there for you when you need them and vice versa.  Ceramic bowls are completely different.  They can go untouched for weeks without feeling left behind.  The moment you pick one up all the memories that you share come rushing back. They can go from hot to cold and back again without shattering or warping.  These are the friends that dry your tears and give you the courage to chase your dreams.  These are the friends that cherish you even when you aren’t around and would stop EVERYTHING to help you out.

  I can say that I have misjudged friendships over and over and over again.  It is something that I am self admittedly not great at.  All too often I have tried to make friendships last that weren’t meant to go the distance and a few heartbreaking times I have misread and disposed of a friendship that was meant to be stand the test of time. I have tried to put stew in a paper bowl and made plenty of messes that way.

Some people just can’t handle the weight of your life and if you try to pour it into them it breaks them rather than nourishing their soul.  But in the stark contrast what if you throw away something that is meant to be sustainable?  This one breaks my heart.  I know of two times that this has happened to me.  Where I didn’t realize what I was using was actually precious and then threw it away rather than washing it.  One of these friendships I had to dig through the trash and rescue the precious bowl.  Every time this friend contacts me or reaches out to me I remember thinking that she was only going to be there for a short while, a plastic bowl.  That she wasn’t one of those friends I could count on to carry the weight.  During the period of time that I disposed of her I had plenty of friends.  Many, many,  many that I had misjudged and thought they were ceramic when really they were paper bowls.  So rather than pouring into this one woman I chose to pour into other bowls that eventually left me empty.  This particular bowl is an absolutely beautiful bowl.  I watch in awe as she performs her daily activities with her children.  How she loves them and allows them to be their own unique person.  How time and time again she has had my back when it mattered most.  How she loves my children and spoils them rotten.  It was worth the dumpster dive to rescue this one.  I was blessed for a second chance at this friendship.

Now don’t get me wrong every single friend I have ever had I feel blessed to have had.  The pain doesn’t come from the friendship itself.  The pain comes when we expectations on a friendship that don’t meet what it was made for.  Now just because you are a paper bowl to one person doesn’t mean you aren’t a ceramic bowl to another.  But please please, please drop the expectations of trying to make something fit that just doesn’t.  Accept it for what it is and be the best damn bowl that you can be for that person.  Sometimes I don’t need a deep life explanation for the tears I am crying.   Sometimes I need a quick disposable bowl of laughter.  But other times I need someone who knows my weaknesses and covers my faults and will comfort my pain.  So I leave you with this……Disposal – orderly placement or distribution.  So, maybe disposable isn’t a bad thing.  Maybe the bad part only comes when we expect something different from something that it simply cannot provide.  I can’t get mad at the bowl for its purpose in life.  But I can learn to see the bowl for what it is and distribute accordingly.

They call me mommy.

The other day I watched a mom bring in a class treat for her child’s birthday.  It was a display of perfect cubes of rice krispy treats and blue jello stacked ever so creatively to look like a scene from minecraft.  Instantly I felt guilt and inadequacy sweep over me.  Why was I not that cool of a mom?  I have the same amount of time in my day as she does hers.  Why can’t I find the time to do things like that?  Now if I struggled with those thoughts I am sure that every other mother out there does as well.  That stupid comparison game where you either think you are better because your child has a better costume for history day and everyone compliments her on it or you think you are worse because it is all you could do to pull yourself out of bed and put a hat on his head for history day.  Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Ladies what are we doing to ourselves.  We have the most important job in our children’s lives and I know that God has equipped you to be the mother of that specific child.  Maybe the minecraft scene isn’t important to your kid.  Heck mine doesn’t even like minecraft so if I showed up with that same snack it wouldn’t mean a darn thing to him.  I want to challenge each of you to dig deeper into your child’s heart and discover what is important to him or her.  Then do what is important to that individual.  Don’t compare yourself to other moms and think that they have it all together.  Because I can guarantee you that the mom that looks completely put together lays in bed at night thinking that she doesn’t measure up.  As a mom I used to not realize how important I was in my children’s lives.  I mean I wasn’t really doing anything to change them or teach them.  That was until I had the very unique opportunity to have a professional investigate me as a parent.  It was called a Parental Responsibilities Evaluation.  This stranger came into my life, ripped open every area where he could have found fault, dug through the history of me as a mom.  Who changed the diapers?  Who gave the baths?  Who brushed their teeth?  Who took them to the doctor?  Who was there on your child’s first day of school?  Who did the child’s homework with them?  Wait….those things matter, I thought to myself?  I had critiqued myself as a mom over and over again and thought I was nothing special up to this point.  But as this professional began to peel back the layers I could see the mother’s heart that God had placed inside of me.  We as mothers just do what needs to be done.  I never stopped to think that each time I changed a diaper I was teaching my child about unconditional love.  I never stopped to think that while I was doing homework with my child I was showing them that I would be there when they felt like they couldn’t do life on their own.  I never stopped to think that when I was teaching them how to bathe I really was showing them that life gets messy but nothing a good scrubbing can’t take away.  I never stopped to think that while I was playing catch with my son really I was showing him that you never know what life is going to throw at you but with the right equipment you can make still make a play.  I never stopped to think that while I was dancing with my daughters in the kitchen really I was telling them that they are beautiful princesses worthy of the love of a KING.  I remember sitting across from this professional one day and he said to me “You are an incredible mother and your children are blessed to have you.  You sell yourself short and you don’t realize the impact you are having”.   So please mother’s everywhere give yourself a pat on the back.  You are changing more than you think.  And the work you are doing does not go unnoticed by the most important people in your life, the little eyes that are watching you, the little hands that you are holding, those are the people that matter.  Not the mom that made a better costume than you or the mom that spent hours in the kitchen preparing that snack.  God created you for your child.  Fully embrace the job you have been gifted.

Shalom.

Take a peek inside my world and most days it is filled with a dizzying amount of activities.  I am constantly on the move.  Wife, mother of 4, two jobs, a house to keep clean (hahaha that right there is funny), friends and family that I adore spending time with, volunteering at school, cheering on my children at sporting events, and somewhere in there making time to sleep.  Did I mention half of my family lives 280 miles away???  Really my life is no different than most of yours.  Well except the family living across the state part (which in case you were wondering I wouldn’t recommend to most people). I am sure at the end of the day you never feel like you got enough done.  I am sure that you have a pile of laundry to be done (if not please send your fairy to my house,  I will put her to work).  I know that just when you feel like you can sit still for a moment one of the kids needs help with their homework or the dogs need fed or dinner needs cooked.  The list goes on and on.  I was talking to my husband the other day and I told him that I felt like I was juggling spinning plates and felt like at any moment they were all going to just drop.  MAD CRAZY CHAOS.  In his typical calm, wisdom infused fashion he tells me “Let God spin them.  He won’t drop them.”  Ok now at first I have to admit I was like…..seriously?  Please tell me what that looks like to hand all your spinning plates over to God.  Because the children and the pets and the schooling and the dishes and the laundry don’t just GO AWAY.  I can trust God with the big problems.  You know that ones that have an end in sight.  The storms that actually pass.  But what about the day in and day out stuff?  Can I trust Him with my chaos?  If you listen, even in the midst of your busy day you can hear His voice.  Maybe it’s directions, maybe it’s a whispered promise, maybe it is an impression on your heart.  Tonite as I was leaving work I felt like I was supposed to go for a drive.   So I started driving up to the Monument.  I could see rain falling in different spots all over the valley.  Come walk with Me.  Uggghhh, really God my feet hurt from standing on hard tile all day and you want me to walk?  Ok, ok.  As I start to walk I see the sun starting to set casting a beautiful pink color over the Bookcliffs and hitting the falling rain.  Everything was perfectly right.  But what had changed?  Still had the responsibilities I had before, but I had listened to what God told me to do in the moment.  I had given him the spinning plates.  After all, He won’t drop them.  While standing there taking in the beauty I watched car after car driving away from the beautiful sight.  They had not a clue of the beauty that was being painted at that very moment.  They were driving a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction.  I wanted to yell “stop, turn around, you are missing it.” So please take a moment to just breathe in the presence of God and let His peace wash over you.  Look for the beauty that He is painting for you.  Shalom.