On Death's Doorstep.

On Death’s Doorstep.

“According to the U.S. Department of Justice, approximately 2,000 women are murdered every year by an intimate partner.”  As I was reading an article this sentence hit me like a ton of bricks.  I never wanted to believe that I was close to death.  I never wanted to believe that I was “that” girl.  You know the one that you picture in your mind when you hear the words battered woman.  In my mind the picture I had always painted was a frail girl, dirty blonde hair, in a white tanktop that was several sizes too big that now had several bloodstains, crouched down in a corner trying to hide her face that was covered in bruises.  No way,  I couldn’t be “that” girl.  Afterall, it wasn’t that I endured beatings every day or even that there were ever marks left on my body.  So I made excuse after excuse to cover up for the way that I was being treated.

 Abuse is such a strong word.  A word that the world as a whole has a hard time defining and the church has an even harder time.  As if abuse finally being defined  gives another reason that people feel like they can divorce and the divorce rate within the church is high enough without another “excuse”.   I always wanted someone to draw clear lines for me.  If he ever does dot dot dot then you know that it is time to leave, then you know that you are being abused.  But very few want to carry the responsibility of drawing those lines.  Very few people are willing to stand up and scream “it’s not safe there”.  Maybe it is for fear of repercussion or they just don’t want to admit that abuse is happening or maybe it’s just that they can’t see what is really going on.  For whatever reason I didn’t get the pleasure of having the outsider’s perspective.  Instead,   I got the blessing of being the leading lady in this movie.  Blessing…are you crazy Naomi?  How can that be a blessing?  Well because it has made me in to the woman I am today.  Now I have a passion that burns deep inside to expose the lies and the traps that are set up to keep women in abusive relationships.  Yes, it is a blessing if just one woman hears my story and has the courage to step out and trust that God has such a better plan if you just allow Him to write your story. 

Let’s take a behind the scenes tour and hopefully gain an insider’s perspective on being “that” girl.  For 10 years I refused to believe that I was “that” girl.  After all, it wasn’t my face that was covered in bruises and I wasn’t wearing a blood stained shirt…..no it was far worse than that.  It was my heart that was shredded.   Had the wounds that I endured on the inside been visible for everyone to see I would have needed to be on life-support.  It was my mind that had undergone years of significant repeated head trauma.  Over the years I began to believe the lies that I wasn’t good enough for anything.  That I would never amount to anything.  That I was worthless.  That the only thing I was good at was sex.  That my life really wasn’t that bad.  That it was all my fault.  That I couldn’t help others because my life wasn’t perfect.  That I was a horrible mom.  That I was a whore.  That I somehow deserved to be treated this way.  That I was incapable of making a decision on my own.  That no one knew who I really was and if anyone was allowed to see who I was they would be so disgusted that they wouldn’t want anything to do with me.  I was dying on the inside and had nowhere to run.  I was told multiple times “I won’t go to jail for you, they just won’t ever find your body”.  Now here is where things get confusing.  To me this behavior had become the norm so I convinced myself that every “marriage” had these hidden secrets and everything would be fine.  It wasn’t until years after I got out of the “marriage” that I realized just how close to death’s doorstep I really was.  That I began to realize just how serious those remarks were and just how abnormal of a life I was living.

Just like any traumatic event it takes some serious time to heal.  The healing would come sometimes intentionally through prayer and journaling and sometimes I would stumble upon a conversation that would change my perspective in an instant.  One night I was talking with my son about the divorce and how life looked differently now.  He said something that broke my heart and woke me up to the reality of the hell we had been living.  “Mom, you don’t know what it was like.”  I replied, “No son you are right I don’t know what it is like to be you.  I just know what I went through.”  “Mom, you don’t know what it was like to try to fall asleep listening to you guys yelling and there hearing a thud and wondering if you were going to be alive when I woke up the next morning.”   Mind you, I have NEVER spoken of abuse of any kind with my children.  I had hoped that they were young enough that they wouldn’t remember.  I had hoped that it wouldn’t have affected them.  I do not and will not shape their view of their dad.  Through a child’s eyes is often the best way to view the world.  How was it that my son was afraid of me dying but yet I denied those very same feelings?

I can’t say that I never had those same feelings.  I remember one time I was getting a pedicure with one of my girlfriends and on the cover of the magazine I was reading was a seemingly perfect family and the mom had suddenly gone missing and the dad was the main suspect, I leaned over and showed my girlfriend and I said “if ever I go missing remember this”.  Maybe it was because I was so used to playing like everything was perfect in front of everyone else that I really had fooled myself that I would never be a domestic violence statistic.  I imagine the mom on the cover of that magazine thought the same thing, “oh sure he threatens it but that would never happen to me.”  Ladies, please wake up before it is too late.  If he threatens it, it means that he has contemplated it and has already crossed some MAJOR psychological boundaries.

There is something different in the heart of the abuser.  In watching the video of Ray Rice and his then fiance on a casino elevator it shook me to my core.  I had a gut reaction that immediately took me back to my years of abuse.  Oddly enough it wasn’t the initial blow that got me though.  Rather it was the way he man handled her off the elevator.  It was the way he kicked her while she was down to try to wake her up.  It was the way he looked around like “oh shit how am I gonna get out of this one?”.  That is the difference in the heart of the abuser that I am talking about.  There are some words that would never be used to describe an abuser: caring, gentle, a sweet spirit, meek, teachable.  I will admit I had a really, really, really difficult time ever calling him an abuser.  I didn’t want to label him that.  Then just recently I was talking with God about it all and he said….Naomi just because you say someone is something it doesn’t automatically make them that something and just because someone says they aren’t something doesn’t mean they aren’t.  See, as with a majority of abusers they honestly do not get that they are doing anything wrong.  Ladies if you are waiting on your partner to admit that he is abusive you will die waiting.  Abusers by nature,  will blame their actions on anyone but themselves and in turn the victim will take on the responsibility for their actions as if they somehow deserved the abuse.  Take Ray Rice’s now wife for example.  She has come out and publicly said that she was equally responsible for the incident and was apologetic for her part in it.  I can guarantee you the incident that was caught on tape was not the first time and I doubt it will be the last.  Sure, both he and his wife are portraying that everything is fine right now.  That they have worked through their differences and grown a lot as a couple.  Believe me when I say this, for a time being everything will be fine.  Until the next round of waves comes.  Until she says something that enrages him, or until he has hard alcohol again.  Yes, people can change.  Miracles do happen.  Did you know that domestic violence calls are some of the most dangerous calls police officers respond to?  Just because of the extremely volatile situation.  More often than not the victim turns on the police officers as the abuser is arrested.  Now why in the world would that be?  I believe that it is because of the head trauma (mental abuse) that the victim has been subjected to.  It messes you up.  It makes you think that love really does involve pain.  That without him you are worthless.  That you deserved all of this.  That you caused him to become enraged so it is your fault.  Victims of abuse see the world a lot differently and unless you have been in the situation it is nearly impossible to understand the viewpoint.

This blog is not meant to cause harm nor defame any people from my past.  It is not about the pain of the past but rather it is my hope that this blog is a threefold wakeup call filled with hope and encouragement.   Number one to anyone that reads this that is struggling to define abuse, if it’s painful it isn’t love.  Now I am not talking about simple growing pains of a relationship.  If you have ever felt the pain that I am talking about you know it doesn’t have to be described.  Ladies, please be brave and seek out the help that you need.  There are a lot of organizations set up to help you get out of the dangerous situation you are in.  Get out before you are just  another statistic.  If you need someone to talk to please contact me through email at naomi.carson6@yahoo.com   Number two is for the church.  Domestic violence is REAL whether physical, mental or emotional it happens a lot more than what you realize.  Choosing to ignore it or look the other way doesn’t change the fact that it is happening.  Be brave and have the tough conversations.  Be prepared to provide shelter for women seeking safety.  Do not I repeat DO NOT try to fix an abusive relationship with normal relationship advice.  The relationship won’t be fixed through equal division of household duties and learning how to effectively communicate.  It is much deeper than that.  That is putting a bandaid on a wound that needs thoroughly scrubbed, diagnosed by a professional and allowed plenty of time for healing.  I am not advocating divorce.  However I am a HUGE advocate for family safety.  Separate until everyone involved feels safe.  Get some professional counseling and guidance.  It took some specialists along the way to point things out to me that I never realized before.   Number three is for the community.  Ask the tough questions and be there to hold the persons hand as they take the first shaky steps to safety.  When that person opens up to you and shares their heart realize that it may have taken her everything she had to muster up the courage to tell you.  Be prepared to make some decisions for that person.  It is a lot like asking a toddler where they want to go to college.  The child will have no idea what that decision even looks like. Along the way the "child" will make some decisions that will have you scratching your head wondering what they were thinking.  Just sit tight.  They are learning and growing.  Pray for protection and wisdom during this time.   Pray about the decisions that they will need help making.  Partner with God and He will show you how each individual needs help.  I was surrounded by a few friends that offered protection, love and guidance when I needed it most.  To all of you I am eternally indebted to you.  If it weren’t for your loving presence in my life I could have been a statistic.  Thank you.

Regardless of the lies being told to you,  it is possible to live the life you have always dreamed.  I am living proof.  You need only trust in God’s plan and know that He will stop at NOTHING to win your heart.  You are loved with an undying love.