Today's blog is a guest blog written by a dear friend of mine. It is my prayer that her story brings healing to the hearts that need healing, brings awareness to those unaware of the pain of miscarriage, and opens a conversation about loss that very few have been brave enough to discuss.
The story of one
child’s 18 weeks of life.
As I
sit on my couch this Sunday afternoon I begin to try to put words to the past
several months. I have so many thoughts
swimming in my head and trying to figure out where to start our story is difficult.
I have so much I want to say and so many memories I am unsure I am ready to
revisit but I have known from the beginning I would be called to tell my story
as well as hers.
Everly
Kay, the name I had chosen from the moment I had found out we were expecting
baby number three. Yes of course I had “no proof” at this time it was a girl
but, I just knew as I had with my first born and then my second. This part of
the story is easy to tell and brings joy to my heart as I relive it. My husband
and I were ready for baby number three. Right on track with my timeline of no
more than a year and a half between siblings. People had said I was crazy when
I tried with our second when my daughter was only 8 months old but, I loved the
idea of the craziness, the chaos and the closeness this would bring for our
family. My second was now 10 months old and it was time to start trying for
baby number three.
Yes I know the exact night she
was conceived and the story brings back sweet memories and many laughs. I had been at a girlfriends doing a much
needed “girls night” and the running joke was I had better get home so we could
make a baby, as I was ovulating. So after many laughs and a couple of cocktails
I jumped on my bike and pedaled home only to find my husband fast asleep. Well,
I thought I guess that does it no baby for us this time around. However, to my
surprise on June 29th 2014 I found out we had actually made a baby
not that night but, the next morning. I was elated and a bit terrified. Was I
really ready for a third child? I mean that sounded good in theory but now it
was my reality.
There is one thing you have to
know about me, I love being pregnant I mean I love it. I am one of those women
you want to hate because she loves being pregnant so much. I dress all cute, wear high heels, never get
sick and am “glowing” all the time or so I am told. There is just something about it that amazes
me. This could be because I grew up never wanting children and believing I was
not equipped to be a mother so it turned my world upside down when I stepped
into motherhood with ease. I wouldn’t say it was something I had been waiting
for or that it completed me but, there was something about it that made me feel
as if I were created to be a mother. Now
don’t get me wrong I have my days were I look in the mirror and ask who are
you? You look like you’ve been hit by a bus and then run over again. And why do
you keep yelling at your kids? Don’t you know these are the years for precious
memory building? Yes we all know this as mothers and it is hard, exhausting,
trying and yet in ways we can’t explain fulfilling, incredible and something we
would do over and over again. But I digress… back to her story, the story that
God would use to reshape me, my thinking and those around me.
Well as usual my pregnancy
started out great, no morning sickness and little to no weight gain. The only
really “hard” part was the fatigue. Man how I hate feeling tired all the time
but, I knew this was the price you paid during the first trimester. Things were
moving right along in my pregnancy. We had begun to call her by name even
though we had not medically confirmed she was a girl yet I just knew she was.
My daughter loved to lift my shirt up each morning and say “hello baby Evie” We
had our first ultrasound at 12 weeks and were happy to see a healthy baby. My
daughter loved seeing baby Evie on the tv monitor. This experience was so neat
as she had no idea really when mommy had been pregnant with her brother. This
time around she seemed so aware she was going to be a big sister again. As we
rounded out the first trimester I enjoyed the reprieve from the constant
tiredness and sailed into my second trimester.
Another thing you should know
about me is I cannot keep a secret when it comes to me being pregnant. I just
can’t. I love sharing the news with family and friends. And as many women do
when they enter their second trimester we let everyone know we were expecting
baby number three as well as made it Facebook official by posting her
ultrasound picture. This is where the
story begins to become more difficult to tell and for some maybe difficult to
read too but, please see it through to the end. Yes this is a story of tragedy
but also, a story of redemption and fulfillment. I am still walking this out
myself but, can say with absolute certainty I will see fulfillment of God’s
promises in my life.
Before I tell you what was to
come next for our family I would like to share a beautiful moment I had at a
conference at my church beforehand. I was only a couple months pregnant when I
attended a dreams and visions seminar. Leading
up to the conference I dreamt I was pregnant with twins. I knew for a fact I
was only carrying one child so that was not the meaning of my dream but, I was
curious to the meaning of the dream. I had the opportunity to ask for help in
understanding my dream and the interpretation given was “double portion”. Later in the evening, as the conference
wrapped up, two different women prophesied over me that Everly would carry a
double portion anointing. Oh the pride in a mother’s heart to hear those words.
I walked away knowing this would be true. I was so excited and expectant of
what that would look like as she grew up and stepped fully into her anointing. I
couldn’t believe God wanted to bless me with a daughter who would carry such an
anointing. I mean me, really?
Our story picks up a little
over two months later. I was at home on Friday October 24th 2014 with
my husband when we received a call from our OB, Dr. Robbins. My blood work had
come back and they had few concerns and wanted me to come in that day for a new
workup as well as an ultrasound. When I look back on this moment as well as
others that I will share. It is amazing how I can trace His hand of
faithfulness in it all. My first thought
was this has to be nothing, right? Followed immediately by sending out a text to
my small group for prayers please. When I say I can see His hand of
faithfulness what I mean is my husband is almost never home during the week
but, he was on that day, God’s hand. We loaded up the kiddos and headed to Dr.
Robbin’s office.
First stop lab for new blood
work then upstairs for an ultrasound. The four of us piled into the ultrasound
room. Have you ever looked back on a moment and realized you had already known
the outcome? One of those gut check moments that you didn’t give much thought
to at the time. God had planted a seed in my heart the moment I received the
call from Dr.Robbins. Now I do not want this to be confused with fear or doubt
but, a seed of preparedness. Again, His hand. As the ultrasound technician
began our ultrasound and I anxiously awaited Everly to show up on the tv
monitor, a million thoughts were running through my mind and nothing could have
prepared me for what would come next.
With in moments we could see
Everly up on the monitor. My heartbeat slowed and I thought thank you Jesus
there is our little girl. The technician excused herself to get Dr. Robbins. He
came in and said there is no easy way to tell you this but, her heart has
stopped beating. Wait what…talk about all of the air being sucked out of a
room. I am not sure I can do justice to
what emotions I felt in that moment. Surely I had heard him wrong I am looking
right at her. And if what he is saying
is true why do I have to keep looking at her while you tell me her heart is not
beating. You’re wrong my little girl is not dead I can see her. Please God let
them be wrong. So many emotions warred
for position in my heart and mind followed by the onslaught of questions. Question number one what had I done to cause
this? Dr.Robbin’s answer sure and true I had done nothing to cause this. Over the next several days there would be no
medical answers to “why” our little girl’s heart had stopped beating.
I wanted to collapse onto the
floor but, I was not given that luxury. I had a two-year-old daughter whose
world was also being shaken. She was crying and confused as to why mom and dad
were crying. The moment seemed surreal as if I were looking into the room from
someone else’s eyes. It was as if time was standing still in those first few
moments as we wrestled with accepting we would not meeting Everly this side of
heaven. There were those “business” like details we had to hash out right then
and there. I had not miscarried my daughter but I would also not be carrying
her full term so a procedure to remove her from my body would need to take
place. It felt so wrong and violating. As if her heart stopping was not enough
I would now be forced to endure a procedure where they would physically remove
her from my body. It was highly unlikely my body would pass the fetus on its
own since I had had both my children by way of caesarian. My body had not
engaged for those pregnancies at 40 weeks. We took the necessary steps to
schedule the procedure. In those moments
with a strength that could only come from Him I put my brave face on gathered
up my family and walked to our car. In
those moments much of it is a blur or better yet a fading memory that God so
graciously does not bring back to mind in full detail. Again His hand. I lived it once and now again as I try my best
to put it into writing beyond that I am not sure I am capable of much more.
As we walked to my car
heartbroken and in shock there was a stirring in my heart as if God himself
were writing these words “the devil gets no ground” I remember turning to my
husband and telling him those exact words. In the midst of it all God had
settled it in my heart. I would stand firm. I didn’t know exactly what the
words meant only they were important and would be part of her story. Again I
began to trace His hand of faithfulness though I didn’t understand things fully
yet. After getting into our car we began to make calls to close friends and
family sharing the news as well as asking for prayer. There was an outpouring
of love and support from those around us. At times it was more than I was
emotionally capable of handling. I would find myself withdrawing with my pain.
Feeling as if it was mine alone to feel. They don’t get to be sad she was my
daughter not theirs. Again I heard Him say “the devil gets no ground” The best
way to explain what He was doing in me is he was revealing strategies of the
enemy I had never been able to see. They seemed so simplistic but relentless at
the same time. The devil would not stop attacking, pursuing, hunting while I
tried to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. Oh no far from it. The meaning
of His words began to take shape. And I could see how the enemy was so cunning,
conniving and cruel. He would come at me
with everything he had. I saw with new eyes how he would use those around me
through careless words and then how my work life would begin to unravel. In
each area I stood on the truth he gave me the day we found out Everly’s heart
was no longer beating “the devil gets no ground”. His hand again. So I did the
only thing I was capable of doing and I stood.
I would have five days of
carrying my dead child within me before the necessary procedure. I do not mean to sound crass or uncaring but
that was my reality. I remember crying out to God asking for the doctors to be
wrong and desperately asking for a miracle.
With a certainty I can’t quite explain His answer was No. No, they were
not wrong and no I would not see a miracle. Not that he wasn’t capable of a
miracle or I undeserving but simply His answer was no. As others who have
walked this path before me know there are so many questions. And we all seek
desperately for an answer that would be good enough to justify our loss. I am here
to tell you there is no answer this side of heaven that will ever be good
enough. When I talk with my Jesus I am very matter of fact and frank. So as we
were talking and I was asking or maybe more accurately demanding an answer as
to why this was happening to me. He
sweetly, gently and kindly spoke to my heart with these words, “daughter, you can
continue asking why and be paralyzed or you can choose to walk by faith and I
have called you to walk by faith and not by sight” WHAT…that was not the answer I was seeking or
expecting but, I let the words settle in my heart. The endless “whys” are consuming,
at times overwhelming and a rabbit hole of epic proportion. One after another
they come as you begin to replay your entire pregnancy in your mind. Did I eat
tuna? Had I forgotten to take a prenatal? Did I not rest enough? Was I pushing
myself too hard? The questions could go on and on and on and it hurts my heart
to know for many women they do. It is almost as if we choose to punish
ourselves with the onslaught of questions and rehashing things we cannot
change. Searching for a moment or incident to place the blame when there isn’t
one.
As I thought on the words He
laced into my heart I realized I am too limited to understand His answer this
side of heaven. Nothing He could explain to me here would be good enough. I
would have told him well thank you for sharing “why” but that just isn’t good
enough and I would like my daughter to live again. No there are no medical or
spiritual answers for me as to why Everly was only given 18 weeks. There are
times I still struggle to reconcile these things but I always come back to my
trust in Him. I choose to see His hand in all of this. I walk out what He
called me to do. I will stand when everything around me seems to be crumbling
and I will see Him in the midst of it all. It is not easy. No it is really hard
and there are days I falter under the weight of my heartache. But what I love
is He continues to show me strategies of the enemy and give me a blueprint to
dismantle them. Yes and Amen… His hand. The Sunday after we lost her I was
scheduled to intercede during our church’s worship service. Of course everyone
would understand if I was unable to do this but I wanted to be there immersed
in His presence and doing the only thing I knew to do. Lean into Him. I was hurting, bending but not broken and
when I stood on that stage praying for our worship team and congregation I knew
with absolute certainty I was not the only one there hurting that day. I was
given an opportunity to stand in the gap for those people. Asking the Comforter
to do what he does best…comfort. Inviting Him right into the mess and laying it
all out in front of Him. I made a choice in those moments to release Everly to
Him. Of course for all intents and purposes she had always been and was His
but, I knew if I didn’t make the choice to let her go I would struggle with
loosing her forever. I could let her go even when I had questions that would go
unanswered. Yes I could choose to let her go when it was unfair. I could let
her go because she was His from the beginning. He had created her in my inmost
being and He had known the number of her days. Choosing to let her go didn’t
mean I didn’t love her or wouldn’t remember her it meant I could turn away from
myself and turn to Him. And in those moments I felt a comfort that could only
come from Him.
Fast forward and I was, and
still am, working on physically and emotionally healing. His hand again I could
see it. So many well-meaning words were being thrown at me. “I’m so sorry”, “at
least you look good”, “oh you’ll just have another baby” now I share these not
to bring shame or guilt to those who said them but to acknowledge my Papa God
because he had prepared me to let these comments roll off my back and not take
root in my heart. This was no easy feat
in my own strength but aligned with Him I could again choose to trust Him. His
hand of faithfulness. As her story comes to a close I know in my heart mine is
just starting. There is more and will be more I want to share in His time. I
have been given the grace to write her story for now. I will leave you with
this. I could see and feel Him in ways I had not before. At times that was
comforting at times it was excruciating but each day I made a choice to give it
to Him and trust when my eyes, heart and mind failed me. I would always know
who He was and because of that one of the greatest things I have learned in the
midst of my tragedy is though my flesh was shaken my faith never was. He was constant and He showed me I can ALWAYS
trace His hand of faithfulness if I take the time to see it and allow myself to
walk by faith and not by sight.
Everly Kay you have changed me
in so many ways and I am honored to have been given 18 weeks with you. I walk
with my eyes wide open, waiting, and watching. Expectant to see your double
portion anointing spill over into my life and the lives of those He has placed
around me. He is faithful to bring to pass what was promised for you. Your
story and mine are now one and I will continue to tell OUR story as your legacy
and my testimony. Love, Your Mamma
