Holy.

What do I know of Holy? One month ago I was in the hospital with signs of preterm labor, on strict bedrest. As a mom of 4 children at home on the busiest week of the year bedrest is NOT OK, as if there is ever a "good" time for bedrest... Let me explain....there was a combined birthday party for two of my children, Halloween, a championship football game, and two birthday lunches for kiddos that were "supposed" to happen this week. I had plans.  LOTS OF PLANS. "We can make our plans but the Lord determines our steps" Proverbs 16:9.

I had been in the hospital for 3 days and then got great news. My fluid levels had doubled so I could potentially go home in the next few days. Wahoooooo I was so excited. I could go home and at least be there for my family. I could kiss my kids goodnight and I could feel my husband's warm embrace. Then hours later my water broke and with it my hopes of going home were dashed. There would be no goodnight kisses, no good morning hugs until after the baby was born. We were told that could be weeks. They wanted to postpone the baby coming for as long as possible, after all a 26 week preemie is not in anyone's plans. I had been down this "preemie road" before and I was not too excited to walk it again. 14 years ago TO THE DAY I had been admitted to the hospital to have my son 6 weeks early. I knew the sounds of the alarms, the smell of the soap, the never ending tests, the questions that didn't have answers. I had always told people that I couldn't imagine having a baby in the NICU with other kids at home because a baby in the hospital was bad enough let alone others to take care of......Yet the others to take care of was the other part of my heart that broke when my water broke. Don't get me wrong, Marco was INCREDIBLE while I was in the hospital. He was super dad. Getting the kids to school, working, running kids to basketball practice, and comforting me all while having very little sleep. They would have survived just fine with me in the hospital for several more weeks. But we were all very aware of the part that mommy plays in the family. They needed me to be home. They needed me to dry their tears and kiss them goodnight. They needed me to calm their fears and build them up.

There in my empty hospital room tears began streaming down my face. Why God, why are you doing this to me? His reply, "Really Naomi, why now? Why are you freaking out now? Haven't I proved myself to you before?" I lost it. I was sobbing at this point. I had learned over the past several years that when faced with difficult circumstances choose worship. So I turned on praise and worship music. The very first song that came on was Addison Road's "What do I know of Holy"......Which I had heard plenty of times before and had even sang along to before but this time the words cut deeper. The words came alive......

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven but I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small, I never feared You at all, no
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes, could I behold You?

What do I know of You who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood but the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were might to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of You who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood but the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life it's name?
What do I know of holy of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name on earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

What do I know of You who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood but the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

.......what do I know of You who spoke me into motion? Alright God you are the one that started my motion. You are the one that knows every step that I take. I guess I thought that I had figured You out.
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about how You were might to save
Those were only empty words on a page. Even though God had proved his love and power time and time again to me as I walked through years of abuse, then a divorce and then most recently a custody battle to move with my children to be with my husband. You would think that I would have known to trust God's timing and His plan. I guess I thought that I had used God up. That all that was a one time deal. I knew how to talk about how God was mighty to save but never thought I would be faced with needing to be saved.  At this moment I threw my hands up in the air and gave up complete control of my plans. Everything I thought I needed to do, what I thought was best. I put it all at Gods feet. Immediately when I surrendered control peace washed over me. The tears stopped. I still didn't know God's plan but I did know that whatever it was it was going to be just fine. Whether His plan was a baby born 14 weeks early or His plan was for me to be on bedrest for weeks on end. Whichever way He had everything already figured out.  The following day I prayed for God to allow me to deliver the baby as quickly as possible with no long-term medical side effects so that I could be back with my family at home and have a healthy baby. My mom texted me a few hours later and said that she had just prayed that "I would have a healthy baby quickly so that we could all be together again". Roughly 8 hours later we welcomed Ozias Izaak into our world. Not part of my plans but God knew what was best. Come to find out the placenta was infected which caused preterm labor it was no longer a safe place for our baby. Who knows what God was preventing by delivering Ozias early but what do I know of Holy?  Ozias was born with absolutely no major medical issues, perfectly formed just really tiny. Every test that has been performed has come back normal. God answered our prayers.
.....what do I know of wounds that will heal my shame? I never thought God would be so intentional about every little detail of my past and cover it with grace. But in order to do that He had to wound me all over again. To take me back, to walk the "preemie road" all over again just to show me how different it could be when covered in His grace. When Marco and I went in to the NICU for the first time together I remember holding his hand and saying "this is going to be the hardest thing we have done together". But rather than it being hard and trying it has been a beautiful journey. To have the opportunity to see life unfold before our eyes. To see peoples faith restored because of the miracle of our baby boy. Oh yes it has been tiring and a whole new normal but when covered in God's grace it has been breathtakingly beautiful.

....and a God who gave life it's name? Ozias' name was a big deal long before we knew it. I felt immediately when we discovered that we were pregnant that the responsibility of a name was to be completely on Marco's shoulders. He took that responsibility very seriously and sought God on what to name our child. He quickly found the name Izaak and we both loved it but Marco wanted a different name for his first name. We hadn't found out the gender of the baby so he was looking at both boys and girls names but was having a hard time finding a girls name that was right. He felt God telling him to go to the O section of the baby name app that he had been using and there found the name Ozias. Which means "strength from the Lord". Marco knew immediately this was the name that God had given for the baby. Little did we know how much the baby would need it. But God did. God had given Ozias' life its name.

So today, as I sat holding my perfectly formed baby on my chest while singing worship music to him the same song came on. What do I know of Holy? I breathed a deep breath and kissed his tiny head. For what do I know of Holy All creation knows your name. On earth and heaven above. What do I know of this love? What do I know of Holy?